


You're A Pain In The Neck, You Know That?

by Latia, pungoeshere



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Blood, Blood Drinking, F/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2018-01-01 00:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1038002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latia/pseuds/Latia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/pungoeshere/pseuds/pungoeshere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You do NOT want to know how Vampire Bats drink blood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're A Pain In The Neck, You Know That?

One night Rose finds a blob on the couch. 

"Why, hello there."

“ _MMph_.” The blankets—because that’s what it is, a makeshift cocoon of quilts, blankets, even the old comforter she kept folded under the bed—the blankets shift, sighing a doleful sigh.

"Have you happen to seen a boy around here? About this tall," she gestures vaguely above her head, "messy hair, blue eyes? Has a habit of being silly and unnecessarily stubborn?"

"Why is it so fucking COLD," the lump of fabric moans.

"Yes, exactly like that!"

"Shut UP Rose, this is stupid amounts of cold!! Like, I think I can see my breath, it’s gotta be forty or thirty degrees—!"

"Try sixty."

"…it  _feels_  colder.”

Rose sighs, smile dropping and arms crossing. “I think you know full as well as I do why that it is.”

The blankets are silent.

"John." And she walks to be directly in front of him. "You need to eat."

He still hasn’t poked his head out from his self-exile of layers. “We already ate tonight. I’m still full.”

"Oh, my god. There’s a point where acting the part of the fool becomes tiring, and you crossed that line a few miles back."

"...So which is it, a line or a point?"

"JOHN." With one swift movement she exposes his head. "You know what I mean."

They lock eyes, before John drops his gaze. “I…yeah, I know, I’m just…”

"Being idiotically stubborn."

"No I'm—! I’m worried."

"Worried that….?"

"That I’ll hurt you."

They’re both quiet for a moment. All five of his front teeth gently dig into his bottom lip—three buck teeth flanked by two prominent fangs.

Finally, she sighs. “I’ve given you permission, many many times.”

"Yeah, I know—."

"Not to mention that I personally much rather you feed on me than slaughter some innocent stray dog." She lifts an eyebrow. "Or cat."

"I rather it be some stray dog—or  _cat—”_ (Rose glowers) “—than risk the chance of hurting you,” he finally says, eyes trained on the ground.

"It can’t be that hard to control the urge to suck."

"…was that a joke?"

"Maybe."

He flushes—a red that only darkens when his stomach gives a loud grumble, perfectly audible from beneath all his blankets. The corners of Rose’s lips twitch as John pulls away his protective layers of blankets, cursing slightly. The ghost of her smile fades, however, when she sees how pale he is.

She shakes her head, and with only one word of warning

(“ _Honestly.”)_

he suddenly finds her in his personal space bubble.

For one split second John seems to choke on empty air before quickly spitting “ _WHAT-“_

Rose pulls down her sleeve in answer, exposing a large expanse of collarbone. “Dig in.”

"I’m not going to—!"

"And what exactly are your other options here?"

"Something else—anything else! I’ll find," and he begins to get up, "a dog, or rat or something—!"

"No." Rose pulls him by the cheeks to make him lock eyes with her. "As you recall, I’ve had a good meal of my own, today. I’m healthy. You, on the other hand, are an immortal who is practically committing suicide through starvation. And to expect me to stand by and let you do that when I can help is stupid."

John’s throat twitches. “But I don’t want to hurt you—”

"And you won’t." And somewhere in the middle of all her firmness, there’s a tender note. "I know you won’t. I trust you."

"Now," and she climbs up onto his lap and practically straddles his legs.

"Bon appetit."

For a moment John just stares at her, before her lips crack open into an awkward grin. “Should I say Grace first?”

…At least, that’s what he probably intends to say, for halfway through his sentence, he trails off into near inaudibility. His eyes are glued to her neck. He licks his lips.

And in a burst of movement he latches onto her.

A hiss of pain escapes Rose’s teeth as she feels his thick fangs penetrate her skin, her eyelids clench shut, breathe, breathe, it’s just like a shot, just two long shots,  _breathe_ Lalonde…

After a moment she’s able to stand it, and she’s able to crack her eyes open once more. John’s head is tucked in the crook between her neck and shoulder, bobbing slightly as he eats. ”Not too fast. I need enough in me to keep me alive, too, remember?”

He sighs against her skin.”mmmhh, mm mmwow.”  _Yeah, I know._

For someone so afraid of injuring her seconds ago, he seems pretty damn confident now. "You’re going to leave a bruise. I suppose I’ll have to wear cover up if I don’t want people questioning why I have a hickie. Not that I…” She can feel his tongue flutter briefly between his teeth, and she squirms a little.”…mind. It’s a bit like wearing a trophy or a sticker, really. A badge of honor showing that I’ve given blood to a good cause.”

And he actually has the nerve to chuckle. “It’s really cute,” and he pulls back for a moment, “that you’re rambling and stuff, but it’s okay to be nervous.  _I’m_ nervous. But don’t worry! I’ve totally got this.”

Smiling, he goes back to the wound, but instead of putting his teeth back in, he begins to, of all things, lap up the blood. She shifts in his lap, squirming once more—that should  _not_ be that ticklish. “I was under the impression vampires were associated with bats, not dogs.”

"Um, yeah, exactly!" She feels his laugh buzz against her skin. "How do you think vampire bats eat?"

Her lips are twitching, a hand makes its way to her mouth in an attempt not to laugh. “”I-I can’t s-say I’ve done much studying on the (*SNRK*) subject…”

"It’s um, actually kind of grosser than what I’m doing. But the short and long of it is that they open up the skin and…” Without warning, he gives a big drag of his tongue across one end of the shoulder to the other. “Lick it up!”

The snort that escapes her mouth is the exact opposite of refined. She can feel him grin against her neck as she breaks into shaky laughter. “Vhat’s vrong, Madame Lalonde?” Oh god, where did that accent come from? “Do you not find zis treatment up to your standards?”

She shrieks as he gives her yet another slobbery lick. ”S-Stop! Ahahahaa, this is too much!”

He cackles, meal entirely forgotten. ”I can promise you right now, zis is only a preview of what i can do vith my tongue!” And without warning he begins licking all over her, her shoulders, her neck, her face—

—which is just about where it stops being charming.

"Oh. Ew—John, stop! Eugh." She puts a hand up against on his mouth and makes a face at him."Good lord, I had no idea vampires were even susceptible to something like halitosis."

"Haha, what?"

"You have blood breath."

"Oh." He pauses. "Oh, crap, my bad." John pulls back, accent forgotten and shoulders hunched.

She sighs. “Are you done?”

"…no.." He blushes.

"Then finish up."

He returns to business quickly, lapping the blood that had started to clot on her shoulder. In a surprisingly deft movement he uses his tongue to catch a stray trickle that had made its way to pool in her collarbone, and Rose shivers a little.

Even when she calculates he’s taken more than a pint, she allows him to go on a little longer—he needed the extra blood. It had been way too long between his feedings.  _Stubborn_. But eventually her vision blurs a little, and she thumps his back firmly. “John…”

"What? Oh." He pulls back, a little alarmed. "Oh, crap, are you…?"

"I’m fine, but I’m afraid the shop is closed." She stands up. "So let me just…patch this…"

Her head spins and she’s suddenly back in his arms. “Rose! Are you okay??”

Oddly enough she feels more annoyed than anything. “I’m fine, John. I just…probably am not going to be getting much moving done tonight. Could I trouble you with getting the—”

He blurs too quickly for her dizzy eyes to track, and by the time they refocus he’s back next to her on the couch.

"Nice band-aids." There’s a snigger in his voice.

"What?" She looks to find him setting a cheerfully-hued band-aid on her wound. "Oh…They were on sale."

"Uh-huh." 

"The bright colors offset the fact that they are used to stop bleeding," she says to the ceiling. "Really, it’s very clever."

"And the Squiddle patterns are just camouflage, right?"

"Of course."

"Of course," he laughs, leaning forward to press a kiss on her bandaged shoulder.

They sigh in tandem, and everything is quiet for a moment. John leans back with a content little grunt. Rose closes her eyes and listens to them breath together.

"Thanks," he says, finally. "I really owe you one."

"Damn right you do."

Abruptly she feels a heavy weight drop on her shoulder (thank god it wasn’t the one he was just snacking on). Slowly she forces her eyes open to see his shaggy head resting against her.

"I’m down a pint of blood and you’re using me as a resting post."

“‘m tired,” he says, as if that’s an explanation.

"How romantic." She smiles, though, and casually snuggles against him. He scrunches closer as well.

"Hey," he says after a moment, "isn’t this kind of like you’re next to your own blood, since it’s inside me? isn’t that weird?"

 _Ever the romantic._ "What’s weirder? That or the fact that I willingly gave blood to a hungry vampire? In a sense, I’m a good samaritan on a number of levels. I’ve donated blood, given food to the hungry. When do I get my halo, I won-."

Abruptly, his weight increases and her center of balance vanishes. Withing seconds, they’s sprawled on the couch, him laying on top of her.

She blinks dumbly for a moment. “John,” she manages. “You’re heavy.”

"Thanks." With that tone of voice she knows he didn’t even open his eyes.

"John." Silence. "John. Don’t you dare fall asleep on me."

Silence.

"...John?"

"…zzzzzz…."

Even vampires got sleepy after big meals, apparently. Sighing, Rose wiggles in an attempt to be comfortable under his weight…and it’s surprisingly easy. With a slight shift she finds an angle to inchworm into.

Weirdly enough,the position is comfortable and warm enough for her to find herself slowly closing her eyes. Eyelids drooping, she manages to snake an arm around him, almost as if she’s hugging the world’s biggest teddy bear. A snoring, blood-filled teddy bear.

She smiles. At least he wasn’t drooling on her.


End file.
